Various Factors Of My Unhappiness

1. I’m driving at night, listening to the radio. Rock Music in the summer of 2006 is terrible, I hear myself say. I opt for a homemade mixed CD I made about three weeks ago and have listened to dozens of times. It is also terrible.

2. While trying to be a creative person and be amongst other creative people I realize the word ‘creative’ has no positive value judgment. Most “creative” people are bereft of talent and create yet more food for garbage cans.

3. I’m becoming equally concerned with both my substance abuse problems and also becoming a recovering substance abuser addicted to meetings and reminiscing about abusing substances. Today while running an errand, I picked up a beer to drink in the car and noted it’d be a good story to convince others, which they all do, that I actually did have a problem at one point.

4. Every few weeks I collect all of the change in my car in a plastic bag and give it to a bag lady or bag gentleman. Invariably, they always look at the mixture that has more copper than silver like it’s a piece of dog poo and ask if I could spare “a few more bucks”

5. I attempt to relate a sketch I saw on The Conan O’Brien Show to a new friend and half way through I begin to sense that it won’t translate and change the subject. He notices. Serves me right.

6. When I ignore her, she showers me with attention. If she ignores me, I shower her with attention. And somehow, I’m upset she’s caught on and I miss her.

7. I have a reoccurring dream where my Dad refuses to put on clothes. In one episode, I find him mowing the lawn naked and people are pointing and giggling. I grab him, and drag him off; his eyes are wild. “What?” he says, “What’s the big deal?”

8. After saying hello to a neighbor, I’m obligated to always say hello. As time goes on I become stressed thinking of new ways to say ‘hello’: to not look idiotic and programmed to only say “hey what’s up?” or “how’s it going?”. I notice “good morning” sounds sincere and quaint..even old timey. “Good afternoon” sounds dour. This last time, I clenched up and stared at my cell phone.

9. I visit a friend and we drink and talk into the wee hours. I wake up with a sinking feeling that something went wrong and that I drove home drunk again. I rewind back to the part where we started talking about politics and philosophy, and this chick was there (who the hell was she?), and identify the moment I became the asshole-me. I run the situation by a mutual friend and they say, “yeah you can get like that”, and my only response is “Yeah whatever— they still like me”

10. I look through my CDs and remove a few because they are indicative of a time or phase that has come and gone, and are now embarrassing. I wonder if anyone else does this, and decide that “no, nobody else does that” and am ashamed at my vanity and slash and burn music tastes. Some are indefensible, but others like Meatloaf, Bat Out Of Hell II is understandable. Isn’t it?

11. I see a corny looking family eating dinner at McDonald’s. I feel bad for them. Eating happily as a family at a place like McDonalds. I use the bathroom and as I come out Dad has his hands full with soft-serve cones.

12. I attend therapy a few times. My therapist tells me a few things to think about and to talk with myself about that will make me happier. I find myself involved in so much self-criticism that I feel like I’m in a police precinct and I’m not only the detective with his sleeves rolled up but also the sweaty guy looking scared and guilty. The detective-me grabs a phone book and the criminal-me starts to confess. It’s like an episode of Matlock where the criminal gets rattled, then admits everything on the stand; the question just struck that much of a nerve. The therapist didn’t mention what I do after this happens.

13. I hear a funny anecdote and repeat it to everyone I know. It takes a little primer in order for it to seem naturally occurring. I accidentally repeat it to the same person twice and almost die of embarrassment when I’m caught.

l4. I start a screenplay about a drug derived from a bacterium (like Botox; which is botulism). This bacterium is developed by a company similar to Con-Agra, to make cows and chickens really hungry. So they grow real big. Well-meaning scientists begin giving it to cancer patients and other people who don’t feel hungry anymore. The bacteria spreads to the general public and people get so hungry they begin eating anything and everything. The buffets are packed. On page 36 a guy upset over the food shortage eats a fat woman’s hand because it was holding a stick of chewing gum. She freaks out like “gimme my fucking wedding ring back”. I told someone whom I don’t like that much about it, and they weren’t impressed. Sort of like the 80’s movie The Stuff, I explained. They hadn’t seen it and I sensed they believed I made up that movie to justify the shitty movie I just told them I made up. I’m questioning my efficacy as a screenwriter.

l5. I read a thread in a message board I read occasionally. It angers me to no end. The last several months I’ve been preparing for the moment to unleash a donnish tirade. I write a biting response and click ‘post’. Everything slows down when the site demands my login name and password. I don’t have one. I start to make one and suddenly wonder if I’m proud enough of my beliefs and my current fire to use my real name or anything identifying as my handle. I decide “Captain_Japan” will work for now.

l6. While watching TV in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube, another customer around my age makes a snide comment about the show on the courtesy TV set. I laugh and make a follow up joke. He reinforces it with a separate but similar example. Then we both look and wait for an opportunity to be funny and smart at the show’s expense. Oddly, it never exposes itself in the same manner. Like it heard what we had said. We are nervous and the other customers seem to be waiting on us. The pressure is too much. Man, when will they finish my car, he says. Seconds later a technician comes in. “Fox?” he announces. I rise and finish my oil-change business normally and say nothing else to appease the group. The bumper music plays, and then the voice-over announces what is coming up next. “This show isn’t so bad” my partner in crime says. “Yeah” I say.

l7. I see someone with a fancy cell phone and hate them for wanting to be on the cutting edge, only because that need implies vanity, yet truly vain people are aware of it and hide it daftly. Like me.

l On a recent camping trip I notice all of my shirtless friends are in better shape than I am. Do I have fit friends or am I out of shape? Do they have a low-carb diet? Is my diet too high in carbs?

l8. I talk to an old friend on the phone and decide to drop the whole bragging exchange talking to old friends usually involves, and instead be honest. It backfires and he starts “going all Dr Phil” on me.

l9. I catch myself singing along to music in front of a friend who has on several occasions made me uncomfortable by singing along to music. I stop and look over and he seems uncomfortable. Cut me some slack, this is one time; you do it all the time and stare while you do it. Two wrongs don’t make a right, he seems to say.

20. A pair of pants I once looked great in now makes me look ridiculous. They sit in my drawer unused or until I have nothing else to wear or I’m feeling optimistic. In public I feel insecure, I want to tell everyone I have better pants than these. But you are who you are this second, and your pants are the pants you have on now. So swift and unfair.

21. In the age of the Internet any song should be easy to identify, but often isn’t. After searching keywords you begin singing it to various friends, all of who think you’re an idiot who makes up songs. You finally discover what you thought was the word you was actually who, and the other part dealt with missing some girl when you thought it was about playing in a rock n roll band.

22. You think of a great idea for a short story and begin writing it. You’ll adapt the screenplay later. All at once you realize your great idea is two great scenes, and is naked and threadbare without context and support. You believe the drudgery..the mechanics; the nuts and bolts, of a short story are below you and abandon the project. It would certainly take an astute and thorough individual to recognize your genius.

23. You find yourself becoming something you’ve always maligned..it could be anything: you malign everything. You’re better because you know the pitfalls of it; why it’s lame..why for any simpleton it’s yet more proof of idiocy. With you it’s a virtue rather than a defect, because you know better and can take it apart and then put it back together and keep yourself clean all the while. But what if it’s better to be of and in something unabashedly and with a pure heart? Well then you’re in trouble, mister.

25. The various energy drinks beg to be tested and compared. Before 2k energy had to be acquired then saved miserly. It’s now available in a slim 8 ounce can..or even more if you need an extreme boost— a giant “it’s not a tall boy, I’m just getting my energy here officer”-can too. But it’s never made you run a marathon, outwork your capitalistic brothers or actually replace crawling under blankets and closing eyes. But it does make your pee fluorescent yellow.

26. “Reality bites, but that’s what life is” is the sage advice your Dad offers you. Where the fuck did he learn to give advice? Is the really on-point shit coming later on in life? Go ahead, say “It is what it is”..fuck he just said it. You may as well just say nothing. If something is what it is, then— I don’t need to explain this. It’s truncated Existentialism in the same way “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is simpleton Buddhism. My own Dad is laying this on me

27. I remember a story I wrote that borrowed heavily from Jim Morison’s poem “The Movie”. The divergence being all human lives are movies, to be watched and studied later on a higher plane. The other detail was that all animal eyes served as video cameras that acted as Cameras Two, Three and Four. Human eyes were Camera One. This memory coincided with drinking 15 beers at a friend’s place and following that the short story took life. I dodged stray cats like paparazzi. I wondered if mosquito’s eyes were also cameras. My eyes sort of are like a camera, I thought. Is all of this being saved? I comb my hair before falling asleep to The Conan O’Brien Show.

28. I look up an old classmate who I always hated, more secretly than openly. I wish to myself that he were doing badly, with nobody who loves him. Turns out he works an average job, and has a perky looking wife who he takes nice pictures with. But you can see the tension there, underneath, I think.

29. I am up late watching cable television. A program detailing horrific crimes in the past comes on. He didn’t know this would be his final day, the narrator says. The man was getting a coffee; I don’t drink coffee but have been pretending lately. What if that happened to me while getting coffee..fuck, pretending even.

30. You read an uplifting book and it stays with you for an entire day. The following day the lesson has escaped you and you act accordingly.

31. On a Friday night you wait for the barrage of phone calls and text messages that never arrive. The line in time between doing something and sitting home like a loser arrives. It could go any way. You decide you’ll let it figure itself out, get dressed to go, but turn on the Bounty Hunter show on A&E. Have a beer. Someone calls in an unattractive offer and you turn it down.

32. I quote a movie line as if it’s my own. I fear the recipient has seen the movie. What was I thinking anyhow? How well could it have gone?

33. To get a feel for the area surrounding a prospective apartment I take a short walk. I am hoping to see someone selling fruitas out of a little stand, a corner store that sells cigarettes and beer along with junk food, shifty looking fruits and vegetables and novelties near the cash register. Maybe a guy playing a saxophone with a hat on the sidewalk for tips. Within walking distance is a furniture store offering $99 Camas (beds) and Restaurant that sells only chicken meals, no matter what. It’s called Pollo something or rather.

34. Your office mate approaches you to buy some candy in oversized packages for his kid’s school fundraiser. You jokingly dicker over the price. He’s not amused. It’s for his summer camp. While paying 4 bucks for a candy bar I lament the fact that I will never go to summer camp again.

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